Authentic Self

They say that good leaders must have a thorough knowledge of its own strengths and weaknesses in order to lead appropriately. They also say that one’s life failure can be traced from their traits and hidden weaknesses.  

I can name famous people who has stumbled and fall which was brought by their own unresolved inner-self issues or what they call weaknesses.

Tiger Woods – famous golfer, achiever of known golf competitions such as PGA tour. Now, what happened to him?

FACTS: PROFESSIONAL CAREER – OUTSTANDING. No.1, people idolize him, aspiring golfers and children look up to him as their ROLE MODEL.

PERSONAL LIFE – SEX ADDICT, cheated his wife over prostitutes, some say it shoot up to 19 women that he allegedly hooked up with.

Richard Nixon – FACTS: former US president did not finish his term because of the water gate scandal

BILL CLINTON - FACTS:  PROFESSIONAL CAREER - US ex president before George Bush Jr., great president

PERSONAL LIFE - he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky (an intern who worked at the white house)

The question is; can their entire downfall be linked to not having self awareness?  What is self awareness anyway? – is it really necessary for each individual to be self-aware? What does it mean by dealing with inner-self issues?

I’ll start this blog by stating my own understanding and experiences, it may not work for some but I hope it could somewhat be of help to others.

I never knew the essentials of self awareness, until I took the LEADERSHIP subject under my mentor Mr. Louie Montalbo in ateneo graduate school of business.

Now, what are my weaknesses and how was I able to unravel it? – Well, it’s not an overnight thing wherein you can just sleep on it then the next day when you wake up… whala! The answers are already right in front of you.

The journey of authentic leadership begins with understanding the story of your life.

Some say, to better yourself you must work on your strengths, develop it. But I say, to be truly effective in what you do, first you OUGHT to work on your weaknesses. Settle your issues.

Most successful people emerged through their life stories, by deep self-assessment of what they are and what they are not.

I am an extrovert, empathetic and a too trusting person.

I tend to be too (emotionally) dependent on people. I am a people-pleaser (which I found out when I took the Enneagram test)

I tend to be attached to people.

I am by nature sweet, thoughtful, caring and I don’t like it when someone is mad at me or upset with me.

Apparently, in my past relationship most of them failed in the end. – So, I ask myself, why so? Is something wrong with me?

Without me noticing it, I am at fault too.

Yes people. I admit. I have a HUGE CHUNK of contribution for those failures.

You wanna know how? … Let’s open the Pandora’s box…

Well, since most of the time I people-please my way through life, I would do anything and everything people around me say – which is my weakness…

Because I don’t want to be abandoned by them so I told myself I can’t fail them. If I do, I’m screwed! I became so emotionally dependent that it’s like I was LIVING FOR THEM. The reason why exist is FOR THEM.

I guess my vulnerability was too obvious that they know whatever they say, I will just follow. Believe me, when I say it’s not just boys who have scarred my past but friends (so-called friends) way back in college. One of them even made me pawn the ring that my mom gave me just so she could get the money. 

Crazy and stupid right? Yeah. I know.But back then my justification for such actions was; I’m doing these people a favor (even it means I go do something out-of-the-usual)

My best friend use to say to me “you’re too damn trusting” is this true? Am I really at fault? Should I be blamed for this? The answer is… Yes.

It took me time to discover the means for these causes.  In order for me to do so, self-assessment must be done.

But how? ...

I guess I can say the 3page realization paper submitted each week to Mr. Montalbo was one of the contributing factors for these discoveries.

I finally had the guts to say to me “you brought this upon yourself”

There’s nothing wrong with these issues… the question is how should I deal with it?

Upon realizing these weaknesses, I started to learn to love myself and learned to deal with my issues. Now that I am fully aware of it, I can therefore acknowledge the circumstances and situations I should not get myself into.

I am not perfect; there are irresistible temptations for we live in an imperfect world and at times when things get tough and certain emotions sinks in…thoughts of giving in run through my mind but at the end of the day, I know I shouldn't and it takes a whole lot of courage to do so and keep my integrity in tact. I suppose I am a work in progress.

Now, I don’t need someone to inspire me to be motivated neither will I depend my means of living on someone.

I am learning not to doubt myself for DOUBT IS AS POWERFUL AND SUSTAINING AS CERTAINTY.

Happiness should not be relied on someone or something but, it relies on one’s contentment and a deep personal relationship with the Lord.

No one can make me whole as a person but myself.

I know now that my life’s decisions and actions is my own accountability.

Discovering one’s authentic self is not a destination… but to me it’s a journey and an achievement.

Dreamless

My dream would never be complete without you in it thus my life has no reason for existence with your absence.

Are We Going To Let Them? by JVFlorentino (March 2004)

Disclaimer: This was the last essay my daddy wrote a month before he passed away

The entry of Fernando Poe, Jr. in the up and coming presidential race reminds us of the way our country is being perceived by the rest of the world - a country resembling a giant cinematic prop for cheap action movies. And to think we are still reeling from the chaos and madness of a bungled presidency in the hands of a hard-drinking, arthritic lothario.

History, indeed, repeats itself. We are again caught in the grip of extreme anxiety as yet another actor is poised to occupy the highest position of the land. Not that we have anything against movie actors. Its what these actors do not have to offer by way of mental and ethical disciplines that scares the sh..t out of us.

The threat that Poe could win the election is quite real; given the mass appeal the fellow has gained for himself while playing the role of swashbuckling hero on the silver screen for many years. Like his friend before him, FPJ as cinematic hero championed the cause of the downtrodden masses in their struggle against malevolent landowners, using fists that hit their enemies in staccato fashion.

Looking back at the previous regime, we get the sinking feeling that danger of the same kind lurks round the corner of our history. It's like watching a rerun of something that we've seen before, like one of those old, grainy Hitchcock movies where everything is honky-dory at the start, but halfway through we find ourselves frozen in our seats and bitting our fingernails. At the end, the hero is transformed from a handsome, dashing lover (womanizer?) to a real flesh-and-bones Jack the Ripper.

To a large extent, Filipinos have come to accept the nature of Philippine politics as akin to life imitating art... or, should I say, the movies. How else can we account for the stampede of men and women from the entertainment sector who, by simply using face value, are trying their luck at bagging coveted positions of power? These opportunistic maggots crawling out of the celluloid world can sense that the Filipino psyche has become totally dysfunctional as far as demarcating the real wold from the world movies is concerned. Any Tom, Dick & harry it seems can run and win an election provided he is a popular movie star. This inordinate preoccupation with fantasy puts some credibility to an observation by some westerners that we Filipinos have one foot in medieval Spain and the other in a Hollywood back lot.

Thus it begs the question: what is it about us that make us incapable of separating the real from the unreal? Is it a product of a "fractured culture" as some sociologists have suggested about us? Or is this predisposition rooted in a genetic storm arising from an over-diversified gene pool -- after all did not Spain's conquistadors and friars and America's cavalrymen and the Japanese "kempetai" spread their nuts around our island? This merry mix-up of chromosomes could have spread hormones in us, as my scholar friend naughtily suggests.

I am inclined to believe though, that the reason lies closer to home - literally speaking, that is. As everybody knows, our country is home to some of the worst cases destitution in the world. Everywhere one looks there are islands of immense squalor just outside the cloistered communities of the rich and famous. NEDA has estimated that about half of our population lives below subsistence level. With a population of 85 million, our country is fast becoming a Malthusian nightmare. It is not difficult to imagine life in a shanty, with its walls made of shipping crates and corrugated tin roof that burn like hot coal in the sun.

In the summer people swelter, their brains caramelized by the heat. And in the rainy days, they soak and shiver in the dark. In such situation, reality bites and bites hard. No wonder then that the hard and fast rules of morality and ethics fade into a worldview of a different kind. It's a worldview of hunger and hopelessness, of despair and anger. And just like in the Land of Oz, fantasy becomes hope, and ultimately fantasy hold the mind hostage, because to tell the truth, the land somewhere over the rainbow is really nowhere to be found.

Thus enter our celluloid hero, the protector of the dispossessed and the unwanted.. FPJ looms large in the heart and minds of the riotous masses that nearly turned EDSA III into a bloodbath of untold proportion. As one erudite senator said, politics in this country is no longer the province of the skilled statesman or the adept public administrator. It is in the hands of the entertainer-manipulator who, with great craftiness, can martial the great multitude of the hopeless and the downtrodden, by conjuring images of pies in the sky and the castles in the air.

It doesn't matter to the poor that they have been deceived in the past. What matters to them is that another "hero" emerged. If he can champion their cause on the silver screen, he can do it in real life. Who cares if he hasn't the faintest idea about good governance? As long as he holds steady atop his white stallion, he can deliver them. He is their choice. Isn't that what democracy is all about? But wait... what about our enormous foreign debt? our widening budget deficit? our exchange rate, our literacy programs, our medical care programs, etc, etc.

FPJ's self-styled lackeys and cohorts think the voters could not care less. In fact, they are banking on it. They are opportunists who like leeches, are latching on to him in the hope of someday sucking his blood. They are at this very moment putting their ears to the ground, listening to the distant rumble of rushing feet. They really think they will win the election and that they don't have to wait long. Once they hear the rushing of feet, no matter how faint, they will know victory is at hand.

But then again, are we going to let them?

Old Habits Die Hard

There's a saying "it takes a week to form a habit but a month or years to break it". When you become accustom to having something or doing something, it becomes routine and breaking out of this routine if not difficult, takes a lot of determination and discipline.

Brain researchers say that habits help us through the day, eliminating the need to strategize  about each tiny step involved in complex routines. Bad habits though, can have a vise grip on both mind and behavior. Notoriously hard to break and they are devilishly easy to resume.

Since I entered graduate school I told myself in the view of the fact that it has been my life's goal to attain MBA degree, I will definitely be serious about it, also because the money that compensates my tuition fee is from the trust fund that my daddy left for me.

I gave up my job of five years (which mind you, was a job that I actually enjoyed) however, there was a conflict between work and school schedule so I had to give up my work. Apparently, upon having all my time centered on my studies,  there were still subjects that    I failed to get if not good but passing grades. 

So, it made me think, what have I been doing wrong? until such time that for the first time  in my 4 terms I've gotten a failed grade in midterms in one of my subjects and then it suddenly dawned on me, my study habits are unacceptable. I was just too complacent and don't give much effort on the subjects that do not interest me.

It takes a lot of self assessment to realize the bad habits / routines that are  not value adding to one's growth. One will  not realize the consequence of such bad habits until failure punches  you right on the face - the cause and effect theory.

Failure is a starting point to greatness - Daniel Guinigundo

I am tired of the discomfort that old habits brings, what makes me feel more miserable is the fact that I have no one in this planet to point my finger at but myself. In other words, I brought this upon myself, which is so depressing Its like I am not in control of my own consciousness.

Habits they say starts in a pattern of behavior and although it means I have to break such patterns in order to achieve what I believe is the inevitable, I am determined to face the challenge head on.

Coldest End

There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kiss still linger and your whispers softly echo. It's a place where a part of you will forever be a part of me no matter what so I'm sending this out to the void hoping that somehow it reaches you.

Insomina Is Killing Me

My Insomnia is getting worse... Before, 3am was the usual time I doze-off to sleep but now, regardless of what I do to fall asleep (i.e. drink milk, count sheep) it just doesn't work. For a couple of nights now I don't fall asleep until 5am (my eyes finally grows weary while I hear the rooster crows).


While almost all the Philippine population is peacefully sleeping, I am wide awake, trying to sleep; I'm desperate and contemplating of purchasing an extra strength sleeping pill just so to knock me out. The only problem there is, are the sleeping pills prescribed?

In Love There Is...Life After Death

Breaking up from a close relationship is never easy regardless if it was you who left or you who were dumped. It takes a long time to get over a relationship. Letting go and forgetting is the worst part of the moving on process and it has been a year and a month now since my emancipation from my 7 years relationship.

I've been going out since; went out on 3 dates already and I must say the first one was a complete disaster; the second was outrageous yet remarkable, the third one was just mundane, nothing special really but overall it was all an interesting experience to say the least.

I never knew I still had it in me, to have the guts to go out again; on a date that is.  Breakups and separation is dreadfully painful and agonizing but then again, why does God allow us (HIS creation) to go through such phase?  The painful experience rocked me to my core. As a Christian, I questioned God. But then, God’s plans surpasses all understanding.

Admittedly, while coping with the pain and loss, I felt my life drifting away; slowly losing the grasp of life’s meaning. I put up a façade that everything was normal, dealing with whatever life throws at me but deep inside, my soul was dying. 

The hurt and loneliness was just so overwhelming that I cry myself to sleep at night. My sleep was restless and I woke up many times during the night. I was a big ball of break-up mess. The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.

As much as I hated hearing my well-intentioned girlfriends tell me that time would heal all wounds (and why must girlfriends always say this?) they were right. I'm healing a broken heart and tending to myself.

My primary concern was finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. It is only by being confident enough to face the present can you move on and look forward to whatever it is that lies ahead.

As I started to piece every event in my head, I made an effort to find better ways to deal with my own shadows, what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Every human being is different and deals with loss in various ways. Some are carefree and others are excessively or abnormally emotional. Wellness, physical or mental, depends largely on how we perceive a loss.

Indeed, one’s life is not dictated by fate but by the decisions we make. I decided to hang on to my faith and to the promise that God will bestow His loving grace upon me. By the help of faith, perseverance and a whole lot of time, I was over the pain.

Finally! It passed. I am pass that stage and found myself on the road to self discovery. Because it is through tragedy that we come to terms with our capabilities and reassess our self worth.

As I started to rekindle lost relationships with old friends, I succumbed to the realization that genuine friends no matter what, will always be there. No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends. 


For instance, my best friend who I love dearly I commend her for all the wild and crazy experiences I have had in the past. (I need not go into details). Love you, Krizel! ♥ 


The wound that was once excruciatingly painful has now left a scar in my heart. Although things weren't the same as before well, all it takes is me getting use to it. Keeping an open mind on every situation sure does help a lot. I am starting to become whole again (the “me” that was once broken and shattered into a thousand pieces)


It is by God’s grace that I am what I am now.  I am thankful for every break in my heart and grateful for every scar that was caused by my past experiences because If it weren't for it,  I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. 

There’s a saying that “you will never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again.


Am I past the disappointments and struggles? No. as long as I'm alive it will not go away


But now; I accept it as it is and live through it. For self knowledge and self discipline form the foundation for staying alive. The only predictable in life is its unpredictability and one must learn to adapt to it. What is certain... nothing but CHANGE.

What if it all means something, each event in our lives? Looking back, now I can confidently say, that if it weren't for the breakup I wouldn't have made new wonderful friends, I wouldn't have made a commitment to better myself one of which is by taking up MBA and hopefully pursue a doctorate degree in business management and so much more. 


My goals turned towards personal growth being exposed to so many things, having made risks which I never thought I’ll make but I did, made me feel human again. 

Having gone through hell and back, I must say I am still alive.  Alive In every sense of the word, seizing opportunities and doing things that makes me happy.

A midst the loss and tragedy when it comes to LOVE there is indeed....LIFE after DEATH.

my best friend, Krizel